Written by Gallic action specialist Luc Besson and his regular partner-in-crime Robert Mark Kamen, and directed by Transporter 3's Olivier Megaton with all the finesse his name implies, Colombiana is the stupendously daft tale of Cataleya, a wide-eyed poppet from Bogota who grows up to be the slipperiest hitwoman on the FBI's books.
As a nine-year-old in 1992, Cataleya barely escapes the bullet-strewn consequences of a disagreement between her father and his Colombian crimelord boss before puking her way into FBI protection (seriously).
After giving the Feds the slip (the old "gotta use the toilet" ruse never fails), she seeks out her shady Uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis) in Chicago and begs him for killing lessons.
Now she is his deadliest employee, picking off his enemies with fiendish aplomb. The only sign that she was there is the orchid she draws on every corpse as a message to her parents' murderers. Look out amigos, she's coming.
And while the FBI - represented by the idiot-savant Agent Ross (James) - and the CIA want her out of the picture for different reasons, our slinky heroine is always one step ahead.
Until, that is, her unsuspecting boyfriend (Vartan) inadvertently puts her on everyone's radar.